Since the first moments of this pregnancy, I have been fascinated with how my baby's growth and development. All the baby websites and emails try to explain her size by relating it to fruit and in an abstract way describe what she might be doing. This has been all I can use to understand what she is doing in there...until now.
As a NICU nurse, I have a different perspective of pregnancy than many other women going through the same stages of pregnancy. Maybe I know too much about the things that can and often do go wrong, but I am always waiting for the hammer to fall. Instead of experiencing this pregnancy as a wonderful, natural, easy process I am constantly thinking about the dangers that my little girl is thankfully avoiding each day. Each night that I get to sleep without disaster is a huge relief. Now at 23 weeks I have had the biggest weight lifted off my shoulders yet...not that I can relax yet!
I have seen many babies delivered at 23 weeks gestation. At this point in my pregnancy, if Nora were to arrive she would have a chance of surviving on her own, but she would certainly have a difficult and challenged life. I don't have to wonder anymore how big she is or what is can do, because I have seen it many times. She is small...her head to bottom would fit in the palm of my hand. Her skin is still essentially translucent and very thin, so I would be able to see her veins easily and she would have a very hard time staying warm. Her eyes are not open yet, still fused shut. Her little heart would be able to beat, as long as we were able to provide mechanical ventilation to help her lungs along because her lungs are certainly not ready to work on their own yet. Feeding her would be a challenge, not only because her brain hasn't developed the skills yet required to eat but also because her stomach and intestines are not ready to have food in there yet. She would learn all this very fast if she were to come now, but it would be very hard for her and she might not be able to do it.
I have seen babies born at 23 weeks that survive and have relatively good outcomes, but I have seen many more that suffer and struggle for weeks or months, and some others that are unable to pull through. This process is very hard for them but even harder for mom and dad. It is a position I hope I never have to experience first hand and I feel for every parent that must make a choice like these parents must. I hope Nora is hearing me every day when I tell her to stay where she is as long as she can!
So for the next 17 weeks I will have a different perspective of the progress of my pregnancy. Each time I work I will meet new babies that are the exact gestation of my Nora that for some reason have entered this world sooner than they should have. I will gladly help those babies they complete their development in a much more challenging environment than my baby. I will try to help the families understand the changes that their baby is going through as we work toward the same thing together. I will probably cry more often at work and be better able to understand what the families are experiencing, while still not really understanding at all. I hope for the same thing all parents hope for, a healthy baby.
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